Morning QT .. with a Rant

Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record? Psalm 56:8 NIV
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The Scream - Edvard Munch. The Scream is the popular name given to each of four versions of a composition

I feel so con­fused about reality. I’m ques­t­ion­ing EVE­RY­TH­ING! And why? Because of one small, seem­ingly inno­cuous piece of infor­mation (to re­main unsaid). Just one piece of infor­mation has man­aged to shatter my reality.

The problem is — why does it do this? I want a solid footing in Christ Jesus. I have asked repeatedly for more than a year. I have built layer upon layer of “meaning” over the initial “witness” event last year. I have tried so hard to put Christ at the center. I have used every “mind trick” under the sun. I have pushed and pushed. I have tried to convince myself. And then … it all so easily falls apart.

This is frustrating Lord. It causes me to doubt You. Why can I not remain solid in You? What am I missing?

I have asked. I have asked, even begged You for more of You. I desperately search for a reality based on You. I’m sick of emotions controlling my existence. I just want to feel full — full of You! This emptiness is frustrating! So frustrating!

What do You want from me? What the fuck is earthly life for? Call me home Father! Now! This life is bullshit — the next is the one I desire (2 Corinthians 5:8). There is no peace in this life. There is only hard work to build layers of false stability over the top of one’s true self — a true self of utter turmoil, absurdity and madness.

Is it really about building structure around a turbulent center, or is there genuine freedom? Is there a possibility to fill my center with You, feel whole, feel secure, know You, trust You — experience You as reality?

Where is it Lord? Where are You in the miraculous? Why must I hold to drips and drabs of pathetic miracles, ones that could have alternate expla­nations? I don’t want to be Nietzsche (i.e. I took a lantern and went searching and couldn’t find God). I desire You, and as a reality. Why will You not allow me the experience of You in Your fullest (Ephesians 3:19)? Why must it ALL be in my mind? When … when does it enter my physical reality?

No! I move past John 20:29 and Matthew 16:1-4. I ask for more of You. I ask for the miraculous within the physical realm (John 4:46-54). I don’t care what You do. I just want Your freedom. I want peace in my heart. I want true love. I want and crave Your joy. Why do You withhold these things from me? Why must each and every day be a battle? Where is Matthew 11:28-30 in reality?

You frustrate me Father! You ask me to love myself, but instantly scold me when I complain about how hard I have tried for You. I’m to love myself, and yet never see myself as having done enough. I’m supposed to bear the fruit of Galatians 5:22-23 and yet I’m simultaneously made to feel unworthy of demanding this fruit in my life (Luke 17:7-10).

There is no genuine freedom. There is but one reality in my existence: Fake it until you make it! Accompanying this reality is the knowledge that You don’t reward “fakeness”. It’s impossible to please You. It’s impossible to know how to BE!It’s impossible to please You. It’s impossible to know how to BE!

I just want You. Why do I have to keep repeating myself? Where is the next great epiphany? When do I get to feel different? When do You fill me with Yourself? When do I stop wishing I were dead? I am getting so impatient with You! Where is the great I AM? Where is that deep revelation of truth that shows me this whole experiment is something more than an exercise put forward by psychology? You disappoint me! What do I have to go on that could convince me I’m doing more than talking to myself right now?

Reason can never bring me to You. Reason can only ever build a bigger “possibility” of You.Reason can never bring me to You. At least not all the way. Reason can only ever build a bigger “poss­ibi­lity” of You. I want to meet You! Damascus Road! (Acts 9:1-19The Calling of Ab­ram! (Genesis 12:1-9The Cer­tainty of God’s Promise! (Hebrews 6:13-20) Stop playing with me! Open Your heart to me truthfully, so that I may know: “You are the Lord.”

I can’t perform miracles. I cannot shift my heart all the way to You without Your help. It’s not enough for me anymore. I want more of You! Now!

I give myself to You. I stumble. I often and repeatedly stumble. But I never cease to give my heart to You. I never stop asking You to lead me.

I want something back. Show me who You are!

In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Authors Note

Well it has been exactly two months since I wrote this post. Clearly I was having quite an emotional moment back then. It was actually something I first wrote in my journal after spending a bit of time reading from the Bible. Afterwards I just exploded and lost all patience with everything in life, and certainly any patience I had toward the Lord. I wrote it first thing in the morning and I continued to boil so intensely inside for the rest of the day. I was adamant I was chucking it in with Him. I came home from work and immediately sort out something quite awful, which fortunately didn’t end up coming to any fruition. But immediately after I did, before even waiting to discover the outcome, I began building this blog. I’ve worked furiously on it non-stop for two months, driven by some kind of compulsion.

I do still wish I were dead, but that has always just been par-for-the-course typical with me. I think I have to start writing. I have to start sharing about just how disconnected I feel from anything, everything in this world. I’ve never really written before. This will all be a first for me. But I think I need to. I’m putting a hope into this. A hope I may just find something in it that gives me a reason to be.

The blog isn’t what I want it to be yet, but I’ve hit a point where I feel I need to take a break to do some writing. And who knows, maybe in time this will actually turn into something that matters to me. I’ll save all the detail for other blog posts, but I will say that depression isn’t always as simple as some make it out to be. I hate simple. I loathe simple suggestions. And I object to anyone ever labelling me as anything other than complex.

In time I may feel different. I’ve lived long enough to know tomorrow isn’t always like today. And it’s unlikely I’ll ever submit to my constant companion, those suicidal thoughts. I’m a grinder. I grind it out each and every day. Push through the pain. I may just be better at that than I am at anything else.

This post isn’t really what I’m all about. There’s much more to me than just silly emotional moments. But I’m not going to take it down. It’s the only post I’ve had for two months. I developed the blog around it. It has become my precious placeholder text, my own personal lorem ipsum. It’s a memorable piece of text, all due to what it enabled later. And it’s also my transition piece, from journal to blog.


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The Scream
Edvard Munch

The Scream is the popular name given to each of four versions of a composition, created as both paintings and pastels, by the expressionist artist Edvard Munch between 1893 and 1910. The German title Munch gave these works is Der Schrei der Natur (The Scream of Nature). The works show a figure with an agonized expression against a landscape with a tumultuous orange sky. Arthur Lubow has described The Scream as "an icon of modern art, a Mona Lisa for our time."

Edvard Munch 1933

Interesting Facts

  • Munch recalled his inspiration in a poem ...
    I was walking along the road with two friends – the sun was setting – suddenly the sky turned blood red – I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence – there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city – my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety – and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature.
  • Alternatively, it has been suggested that the proximity of both a slaughterhouse and a lunatic asylum to the site depicted in the painting may have offered some inspiration. The scene was identified as being the view from a road overlooking Oslo, the Oslofjord and Hovedøya, from the hill of Ekeberg. At the time of painting the work, Munch's manic depressive sister Laura Catherine was a patient at the asylum at the foot of Ekeberg.
  • The imagery of The Scream has been compared to that which an individual suffering from depersonalization disorder experiences, a feeling of distortion of the environment and one's self, and also facial pain in the form of Trigeminal neuralgia.
  • The 1895 pastel-on-board version of the painting sold at Sotheby's in London for a record price of nearly US$120 million at auction on 2 May 2012.
2 Corinthians 5:8 NIV

We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Ephesians 3:19 NIV

And to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

John 20:29 NIV

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

Matthew 16:1-4 NIV

The Pharisees and Sadducees came to Jesus and tested him by asking him to show them a sign from heaven. He replied, “When evening comes, you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red,’ and in the morning, ‘Today it will be stormy, for the sky is red and overcast.’ You know how to interpret the appearance of the sky, but you cannot interpret the signs of the times. A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” Jesus then left them and went away.

John 4:46-54 NIV

Once more he visited Cana in Galilee, where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death. “Unless you people see signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.” The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.” “Go,” Jesus replied, “your son will live.” The man took Jesus at his word and departed. While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, “Yesterday, at one in the afternoon, the fever left him.” Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, “Your son will live.” So he and his whole household believed. This was the second sign Jesus performed after coming from Judea to Galilee.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Galatians 5:22-23 NIV

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Luke 17:7-10 NIV

“Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Won't he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”

Acts 9:1-19 NIV

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord’s disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” “Who are you, Lord?” Saul asked. “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” he replied. “Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do.” The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision, “Ananias!” “Yes, Lord,” he answered. The Lord told him, “Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.” “Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.” But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.” Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, “Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” Immediately, something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he could see again. He got up and was baptized, and after taking some food, he regained his strength.

Genesis 12:1-9 NIV

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Harran. He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Harran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there. Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. The Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the Lord, who had appeared to him. From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord. Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

Hebrews 6:13-20 NIV

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.

Lorem Ipsum

In publishing and graphic design, lorem ipsum (derived from Latin dolorem ipsum, translated as "pain itself") is a filler text commonly used to demonstrate the graphic elements of a document or visual presentation. Replacing meaningful content with placeholder text allows designers to design the form of the content before the content itself has been produced.

The lorem ipsum text is typically a scrambled section of De finibus bonorum et malorum, a 1st-century BC Latin text by Cicero, with words altered, added, and removed to make it nonsensical, improper Latin.

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